This love
by smaragdbird
Summary: They've agreed to take it slow since Connor needed time to re-adjust to being back in the present. However that was five months ago and Connor suspects that Becker has a different reason for slowing down their relationship Slash Connor/Becker


"I, uhm, could I use your bath?" Connor asked a bit awkwardly. For the past few days their conversations had mostly revolved around work or one of the movies Connor had watched since coming back, nice safe topics that had nothing to do with Connor or Becker or their badly failed attempt to pick their relationship up where they had left it.

Becker blinked at Connor's strange request.

"Because, uhm, I would really like to take a bath but my friend only has a shower cubicle. I didn't have a bath since...well, you know." Connor continued cautiously as if he didn't know what he was doing here but Becker felt as much thrown off as Connor looked.

"Sure," He said finally: "Of course. You still have my keys, don't you?"

"Yes, I mean of course I have them."

"Just go whenever you like. I understand if you need privacy."

"Thanks," Connor answered with a small smile. Even though they were at work Becker allowed himself to smile back. He wanted to touch Connor so badly that it nearly hurt but Becker restrained himself and reminded himself that he and Connor had agreed on doing this step for step, very small steps and Becker wasn't sure if they had reached the 'casually touching' state yet. They had gone out the other day, just the two of them and for the first time they had managed not to fall into one single awkward silence for the whole evening, that counted as an enormous success, so what did it matter that they had barely touched in the three months Connor had been back?

/

The bathroom door was slightly open and through the slit Becker could see Connor slowly disrobing himself in front of the tube, his back to the door. Becker bit his lip, not because of the badly healed scars that crisscrossed Connor's skin, he had seen those before, but because this was the first time that he could really look at Connor without caring who else might see him. Logically he knew he shouldn't watch Connor, he had after all told Connor that he understood his need for privacy, but it had been so damn long...Slowly he opened his jeans and slipped his hand inside just as Connor stepped out of his boxers. Becker wanted to go inside, he wanted to spin Connor around and kiss him until his lungs gave out, until he lost consciousness from the lack of air. He wanted to take Connor to his bed and relearn his body with all its new muscles and scars and map it out with his fingers and his mouth until he knew it like the back of his hand again. He wanted to wake up with Connor wrapped around him tomorrow, smelling like sleep and sex...He wanted everything to be like it was before.

Suddenly Becker felt his throat burning with shame. He shouldn't be here, he shouldn't watch Connor against his word and he shouldn't think like this. He yanked his hand out of his jeans and stepped away silently. When he reached the front door Becker opened it and closed it loudly, throwing his keys on a sideboard.

"Connor?" He asked loudly.

"Yeah, hi, uhm, do you need the bath?" Connor asked back.

"No, it's fine. I'll get pizza, that's okay for you?"

"Sure, thanks."

When he came back with a pizza Connor sat fully dressed in his living room. Becker found himself lingering on the places Connor's slightly damp clothes clung to his body (more than they usually anyway) but mentally chastised himself. They had said they would take it slow.

Connor declined Becker's offer of watching a movie and so they settled for a rugby match that went mostly ignored while Connor talked excitedly about Jenny's wedding and his adventure with the Hyaenodons in the wine cellar.

They reached for the last slice at the same time, their hands brushing and when Becker looked at Connor, Connor's eyes held his gaze, wide and dark and unmoving. Heat ran through Becker's body in fast waves and his heart picked up speed. Very carefully, he threaded his fingers through Connor's, never breaking the eye contact.

Connor leaned closer, his mouth slightly open and Becker could smell his shampoo and see a faint shimmer of sweat on Connor's skin. His heart beat so fast that he was sure Connor could hear it.

When Connor's lips touched his Becker thought for a second that he would die. It had to be impossible for a man to feel so much fear and anxiety and still live.

Connor didn't waste any time; coaxing his mouth open with his lips and tongue, grabbing the back of Becker's neck with his free hand and holding him in place.

It was a rush.

Connor pushed him into the couch without breaking the kiss, climbing into his lap. Impatiently he pushed Becker's shirt over his shoulders, alternatively tearing at Becker's top and trying to claw his jeans open.

God, he had missed this, Becker thought, one hand in Connor's damp hair, the other creeping down his backside. Connor trust against him in a futile attempt to feel some more pressure and friction against his cock which Becker could emphasise with because it had been a year and –

- his fingers brushed unfamiliar, knotted tissue on Connor's hip and everything came to a screeching halt.

"Connor, "Becker attempted but he had to use both hands to push Connor away from him. "Connor, stop!"

Connor stopped, staring at Becker with pure primal need that was slowly replaced by bemused puzzlement until realisation dawned on his face and horror spread through his expression. He pushed away from Becker, stumbled to his feet and away from him.

Becker caught up with him in front of the front door.

"Connor, I..."But Connor didn't let him speak.

"No, no, it's alright. I understand. I mean it's been a year and everything." His grin was painfully false.

"Connor-"

"I mean you and Matt, you're close." Connor made a helpless gesture. "That's only natural."

"Connor-" Becker tried again, wondering where the hell that had come from.

"- worked the same way with us, didn't it?"

"God damn it, Connor, would you finally shut up and listen to me?" Becker yelled. "Matt and I are friends. We're getting along because we don't ask questions, don't try to be close."

"He saved your life."

"Many people saved my life in past, Connor. That doesn't make them you."

"Me?" Connor asked puzzled and maybe a bit hopeful.

"You're..."Becker gritted his teeth. He had suppressed everything for the past year. The counsellor in the ARC hadn't been impressed with his coping methods but Becker had a job to do and as long as he could function like a rational human being they weren't going to make him go through therapy that would break down all his carefully made if sometimes dysfunctional checks and balances.

When he didn't finish Connor's expression dimmed and Becker could have shot himself in the foot.

"Oh well I better go. Jess wants to recalibrate the anomaly detector first thing in the morning. I better be awake for that and make sure she doesn't accidentally kill us all."

"Connor-" But Connor was already out of the door.

/

"Well done, mate. Really, you should write relationship advisors." Danny said the next day.

"Bad timing, Quinn." Becker muttered. If he was his baby sister he would now be writing gloomy poetry and lock himself in his room while listening to music with even bleaker lyrics than his own poetry. As far as coping mechanisms went he had given this one serious consideration this morning but an ill-timed anomaly had put an end to that.

Instead he had to bear Danny moonlighting as a counsellor.

The gloomy poetry looked more alluring with every second.

"Say what you have to say and go away." Becker snapped at him. He knew he should be nicer to Danny after the last year and everything but honestly Becker just wanted to get back to the ARC where Lester and Burton provided ample distraction for Danny to focus on.

"Have you ever considered simply telling Connor that you missed him and want him to stick around so that you don't go crazy without him? Flirting less with Matt and not throwing Connor from the couch when he kisses you might be helpful as well."

"Who told you that?" Becker asked annoyed.

"Connor did. Well kind of, he told Abby and forgot about the room recording."

Great, his private life was in official files now. Maybe he should just turn the car, reopen the anomaly and walk through it. After the Emily Merchant debacle it seemed like there were lots of people running around between the times. Maybe one of these groups had an open vacancy.

"He said we should take it slow, so we're taking it slow." Becker explained annoyed.

"There's slow and there's 'I actually don't love you anymore' slow and there's 'We've been back five months what the hell are you waiting for?' slow." Danny eventually added. "Who of you is needing the time to adjust? Connor? Or you?"

It wasn't a question Becker could answer.

/

"Captain Becker, a word please." Lester's expression indicated nothing good when Becker walked into his office.

"Sir?"

"Connor Temple is a very valuable member of this team, wouldn't you agree, Captain?" Lester asked without looking up from his paperwork.

"Of course, sir."

"He and Miss Maitland have the longest and closest experience in dealing with anomalies, also Connor is the ARC's most sophisticated technical expert." Becker grew more confused with every word. Why was Lester telling him this?

"Compromising Connor means compromising this mission. I believe you are familiar with the term 'reassignment'?"

"Of course, sir." Becker gulped.

"Connor is currently working on the EMPs in his lab." Lester looked up when Becker didn't move. "Do you need a written invitation, Becker? To the Falkland Islands, maybe?"

"No, sir." Becker hurried out of Lester's office.

/

Becker honestly meant to talk with Connor but Matt was there as well and while he first tried to stick around the technobabble between them went right over his head.

"Want to get shot again?" Matt winked at him, waving one of the smaller EMP's around.

"Thanks, but I've learned my lesson."

"Too bad, I had lots of fun."

"Imagine that." Becker replied sarcastically.

"You really like shooting people, don't you?" Connor asked Matt, his eyes flickering between him and Becker.

"Only Becker," Matt replied and winked at him again. "He looks so pretty when he's in pain."

Connor laughed weakly and Becker cursed himself and Matt to the deepest circle of hell.

/

"Hey, Becker!"

"No, I'm not letting you shoot me, Matt." Becker replied immediately. He had spent the rest of the morning in the gym to avoid Lester's wrath, Danny mocking him or encountering Abby, who, if he was being honest, scared him sometimes.

"Up for a match?" Matt asked, holding up a pair of boxing gloves.

"You're sure you've got a change against me?" Becker teased him.

"You don't know where I learned." Matt gave back, leaning slightly forward.

"Yes, I do. I read your file, remember Mr. Mount Everest?" Becker was acutely aware of how close they were when Abby's voice rang through the gym.

"Matt, Danny wants to see you."

"Did he say what he wanted?" Matt masked his disappointment over the interruption very quickly while Becker had mixed feelings about the situation.

"Something about the security system." She didn't even look at Matt but instead focused her hard, blue eyes on Becker who felt worse by the second. He knew how much Connor meant to Abby and he knew from first hand experience how ruthless she could be when it came to the people she loved.

"See you later." Matt winked and left him alone with Abby.

"Did I interrupt something?" Abby asked in a dangerously low voice, walking towards Becker like a feline on the hunt.

"No." Becker tried to sound sincere when he wasn't too sure himself.

"It looked like you two were up for a match." Abby clarified and Becker was only reasonably sure that she wouldn't kill him.

"Still up for match?" She asked, fixing her shark smile on him. Any other man would have already taken flight but Becker reminded himself that he was a trained soldier and shouldn't be afraid of a 5'4'' girl, a year of survival experience in the cretaceous or not.

"Sure, why not?" Becker knew instinctively that he would regret his words.

"So, you and Matt are close, aren't you?" She asked while doing a couple stretches for warm-up.

"We get along." Becker shrugged, warming up himself.

"Connor mentioned he's an ex-soldier. Should be right up your alley."

"Not particularly." He blocked her opening attack the fraction of a second before her fist hit his face.

"Connor also said you had pizza last night." She said, hitting him in the ribs.

"Anything else Connor said?" He asked, pushing her away. He was stronger but Abby was faster and she certainly didn't hold back.

"Maybe." She kicked him in the shoulder and when he stumbled she kicked his legs out under him. She was over him in a second. Her hand closed around his throat and she leaned so close that he could feel her breath on his face.

"Have you seen what's left of a man you leave him in a room full of hungry predators from all of Earth's timeline?" The photos from Stephen Hart's autopsy report came to his mind. It had to have shown on his face because Abby looked satisfied.

"Think about it long and hard." She hissed and let him go.

/

The truth was, Becker thought while he showered in the ARC's gym, that Matt, for all the lies that undoubtedly made up his file promised to be the safer option compared to Connor. He _was _a trained soldier, he _didn't_ think any of this was cool or exciting, he wasn't emotionally attached to the mission, he hadn't left Becker wondering for a year whether he was alive or dead and most importantly Becker wasn't in love with Matt.

A part of him didn't want that simmering, emotional entanglement he had with Connor when Matt offered an uncomplicated alternative with every wink and every smirk.

"Hi, Becker." Sarah waited outside the gym for him.

"Any threats you can make pale in comparison to being shipped to the Falklands and being fed to Abby's pets." He told her because he knew he had fucked up, okay?

"I wanted to ask you out for lunch." Sarah blinked in confusion.

"Are you going to poison me?" He asked wearily.

"No. Should I?" She frowned. "You know I don't like going out alone." She added quietly and Becker's throat closed with guilt. No matter what everyone else including Sarah herself said, it was still his fault that a predator had ripped her left side apart when they had gone into the future. That had been the fourth and last rescue mission Lester had send for Abby, Connor and Danny.

"I'm sorry." He said but she waved it away.

"You can tell me over sandwiches and tea."

/

"Tomato and red cheddar, right?" Becker asked when he entered Connor's lab, holding up two sandwiches.

"Oh, uhm, thanks." Connor smiled and took the sandwiches. Becker pretended not to notice how hastily Connor covered his work. It was classified, Becker understood that.

"I didn't think you'd still remembered." It was one of those thoughtless, off-hand comments that Connor sometimes made that hurt the most.

"I also know that Abby likes strawberry milkshakes and that Danny thinks drinking coffee should be a considered a crime against queen and country and be punished by hanging." Becker offered and was relieved when Connor laughed.

"I wanted to apologise for last night." He said and predictably killed any light feelings that had been there.

"It hurt when you said no. It hurt a lot." Connor replied without looking at him but sounding so hurt that it broke Becker's heart.

He would tell himself, later, that that was why he kissed Connor, pushing at his hands every time he tried to stop him, following every step back until Connor was pressed against the wall, until it was too hard and too rough and almost not a kiss at all.

"I thought you didn't want me anymore." Connor gasped out between kisses, tearing at Becker's clothes. "Not looking like this." He held Becker's face with both hands to stop him. "Where we go from here is up to me."

"Up to you? I don't get a say in any of this?" Right now he wanted to bury himself in Connor's skin, crawl inside and never leave so that Connor could never leave him again.

"Of course you do."

"And if I say no?" Becker whispered and closed his eyes, wondering in which timeline he'd be able to say no to this.

"Then I'll have my answer, won't I?"

Becker buried his face in Connor's neck and whispered "I love you," because he couldn't not say it. If there ever had been a perfect moment for it then he had missed that by more than a year already.

"Thank you," Connor answered and kissed him, chaste and soft, but it set hope alive in Becker's chest like a fluttering bird.

Of course the anomaly alert was triggered in that moment but in a couple hours Becker would throw an arm around Connor's shoulders and tease him about his excitement over the diplodocus that came through the anomaly and he would think that between the cretaceous and abandonment issues and despite death threats from their friends and him flirting with Matt now and then there might, might just be a happy ending.


End file.
